Merry Christmas

hello all!!!

hope you're all having a happy and healthy holiday season. what a year it's been - and after what we've learned about faith, hope, and love; i wouldn't trade it for the world. i've been working out regularly, really trying to pay attention to the body as a whole - and being active has continued to sharpen my mental focus as well. jenny and i went with our good friends jess and vince to cut down our Christmas tree - when we got to the tree farm i remarked to jessica that without the battle with lymphoma i don't think i would have taken the time to go the mountains and do that. although i've always had a pretty positive outlook, i feel that battling the illness has woken a sleeping giant. so look out world, here we come!!!

the new year is typically a time for resolutions - so i'm asking each of you this year to really look at what the important things are in your life and truly be thankful for them. the people, memories, etc. are all gifts that should be used as tools to help celebrate the good times and weather the bad ones. i can tell you all with conviction that going through a valley in life is quite inspirational and as my friend adam says, now whenever i need motivating i can just remember my own story instead of looking to someone else. also. know this - when you find yourself in a valley, you are never alone - God walks with you, heck he carries you!!!

much love to all of you for being there for me to lean on - i'll be right behind you waiting to return the favor. travel safe over the holiday.

ps - here's the link to a zip file containing mp3's of the soundtrack to my life - http://s2research.com/wahoo_soundtrack.zip

happy listening!!!

clean scan!!!

hello all - as jen and i sat in the doctor's office for our check-up a few weeks ago, we knew we were not alone. i could feel all of you there with me and the elation that i felt after being told the scan was clean caused me to take a moment and reflect on how far we've come. that appointment could not have seemed further away during certain parts of a cycle and as it got closer the opposite began to happen. for the better part of 5 months my only job was to get food in me and walk around - now as we leave the treatment behind and the body continues healing it's about a return to normalcy. even though i realize this takes time, all of the subtle everyday aches and pains bring about a certain anxiety [ i.e. - i have dry skin, is the lymphoma back? ] as irrational as that sounds, thank God for jen's patience and love, those thoughts popped into my head every now and then. to calm myself down i went to a quote from The Alchemist [ great read if you haven't already ] - "Your fate and the fate of the world have been written by the same hand." i find that it helps take worry off my plate.

we will have our next check-up in february and as we approach the new year my main goal is to keep getting back into shape. jen and i had a wonderful time in san francisco visiting my sister-in-law laurie and the rest of the shields [ including kim trunko ] and evans clan for thanksgiving. it was just how i imagined it when my dad and i first talked about an outdoor excursion during cycle 2.

this process has been tiring and at some points extremely hard to communicate with the outside world. i thank all of you for your continued prayers and well wishes - can't wait to see most everyone over the holidays. hope you all had a happy turkey day!

soundtrack to my life

hello all -
since i've last posted, jen and i have been on our first trip out of town together since the diagnosis. we had a wonderful fall weekend in charlottesville, and although i left charlotte feeling slightly vulnerable, i returned feeling more confident than ever. one of the main reasons for this feeling was the recognition that my memory is my greatest asset, not something to be feared.

for the first three cycles of the treatment, i did not listen to a single song, thinking that any music i heard would have me recall a time when i was not sick. what i came to recognize at the beginning of cycle four was that the emotional response i was most afraid of was my greatest motivator. this reflection prompted a conversation between jenny and i about the soundtrack to one's life.

for this exercise, you have to select 25 songs, a double disc set if you will, that elicit an emotional reaction [ happiness, sadness, nostalgia, etc... ]. as you're scoring this journey through your past the only rule is that you cannot repeat an artist - that means no double dipping tears for fears dad!!!

feel free to post your soundtracks, i will have a link in my next post where you can go to download the mp3 version of mine. i know sometimes people have trouble logging on, so feel free to e-mail me [ bshields@s2research.com ].

we have first post-radiation scan on monday, but this weekend two of our good buddies are getting married here in charlotte - congratulations to lori and ashley!!!

i have an hour plus of waiting to do before the actual scan on monday so i'm going to spend that time listing the memory each song of my soundtrack brings to mind. a follow-up post comes soon but for now, here's my playlist:

just like heaven [ the cure ]
soul meets body [ death cab for cutie ]
comfortably numb [ pink floyd ]
#41 [ dave matthews band ]
while my guitar gently weeps [ the beatles ]
rear view mirror [ pearl jam ]
jane [ barenaked ladies ]
silence is easy [ starsailor ]
all these things that i've done [ the killers ]
worlds apart [ jars of clay ]
love in a vaccum [ 'til tuesday ]
breathe on me [ jennifer knapp ]
heart in hand [ vertical horizon ]
in repair [ john mayer ]
silver springs [ fleetwood mac ]
one [ u2 ]
here i am [ water's edge ]
we might as well be strangers [ keane ]
when it's raining [ the samples ]
please, please, please let me get what i want this time [ the smiths ]
sleeping in [ the postal service ]
within a room somewhere [ sixpence none the richer ]
ave maria [cover by chris cornell ]
follow you, follow me [ genesis ]
happier [ guster ]

bonus track: here i dreamt i was an architect [ the decemberists ]

have a great weekend - get your flu shots if you haven't already!!!

what fatigue?

radiation and the window of the treatment's lingering side effects have come to a close and i feel pretty good. i've been steadily increasing my running and/or biking distances, although my radiation oncologist wanted me to recover for another 2 weeks before i start ramping up the intensity to an actual training level. through a new co-worker of mine i've received some inspirational words from butch davis [ unc's football coach who finished radiation / chemo treatments for non-Hodgkin's lymphoma ] as he shared that his valley has only served to strengthen his faith in God.

the toughest part of the entire treatment has probably been what i might refer to as the "not quite me" factor. although my hair has grown back [ curly by the way - ha ha ] and i can wear my normal clothes with all of the prednisone out of my system - i'm still not the same bryan. now this will be a true statement for the rest of my life but on a more superficial level - it'll just take time. this is where patience [ or a lack there of ] really starts to show. i've never really been out of shape during my life and to have to physically build back up to a level i worked pretty hard at maintaining can take its toll. also, on the inside my stomach and lungs are still a bit sensitive - the fact that i had to watch what i drank and ate during chemo was understandable but the slow and steady process of my body healing on its own is where the real frustration lies.

however, i am happy to report that my stomach aches have been getting better and i am seeing a steady improvement week to week when working out. it doesn't take more than one positive sign per trial i go through in order to get me pumped up.

so here we are - in remission and the only step left is to be cured. this patience thing seems to be a recurring theme - never forgetting that we live in today.

thank you to all of you for your thoughts and prayers - they mean so much to jen and i

they don't see any bees

i'd first like to start this post by apologizing for the delay in updating everyone. i just completed my 5th day of radiation - i'm on the table at 7:20am and out of the room by 7:25am. the radiation field is a very focused treatment and machine is only on for about 20 seconds on each side of me. i lie motionless on the table with my arms overhead as this big arm rotates around me. i have sharpie marks all over my chest and sides, as well as a permanent "freckle-like" tattoo that they use with a laser field to align everything. the room is lined with lead and the machine itself has a series of lead slats that create my specific field shape. the machine itself looks like a big kitchen-aid mixer without the bowl - and when they're cooking me i feel nothing. as of day 5 i can report no side effects but i realize that sometime in the next week or so i might begin to have some esophageal irritation and a little fatigue. but i digress, on to the great news -

we only have 17 weekdays of radiation [ that's 12 to go ] because...

the pet scan showed great results!!! the original score [ amount of radioactive sugar gobbled up by the mass ] was 35 - it's now a 4!!! we all have cysts in our bodies and anything that scores under a 7 doesn't even warrant further exploration. any shrinking would have been good sign but this is great. the mass that's leftover could just be scar tissue healing but that is why the radiation is our insurance policy. the analogy goes something like this -

if we think of the original mass as a beehive and the malignant cells as the bees - right now they see no bees. however, just because the hive has shrunk considerably and they see no bees that does not mean there are no bees. this is because the test cannot see through the hive - however, radiation can kill anything in it. and what's amazing about the human body is that radiation destroys the dna of the bad cells so they can't repair themselves where as my organs and tissue that are effected by the field can heal themselves over time. so over the next few weeks they will be monitoring my thyroid [ which is in the field ] and i may develop a bit of a cough as the tops of my lungs heal.

the last bit of good news is that because we did the 6 cycles of chemo instead of 4 the mass shrunk enough so that the radiation field stays completely above my heart. so as far as possible long term side effects go, we're looking real good. i've been staying active during these past few weeks and really what's slowed me down the most is the gastritis i've had. this makes alot of sense considering the prednisone is almost completely out of my system and the body is truly on its own for the first time. it's actually exciting to be frustrated by something as simple as a stomach ache - feels quite normal.

we've been handed off to a new set of nurses who i start my morning with every day - they are equally as cheery and inspiring as my chemo team. but then again, you never forget your roots - those ladies will be with me forever.

as my buddy mike fuller said to me this week - "great progress and great encouragement are a great combination"

have a great weekend everybody!!!

6 cycles down - time to heal

hello all - yahoo!!! we are finished with chemo and looking back i'm thankful for the extra 2 cycles. my scan is august 3rd and i meet with the radiation oncologist on the 13th. i'm thankful for this time to heal up and build up my stamina. i've been back at work full time for the past few weeks and it's been great to get back in the groove. i've been biking and / or running everyday - getting outside has been great. jenny and i have been on many dates - something i missed quite a bit during certain parts of the cycle.

while the next few weeks will be an exercise in patience - i've been trying to find ways to not feel like i'm waiting for the next step. i saw a nutritionist on monday and she was wonderful. i already can visualize my body working its way back to 100%, but there's a new goal - a stronger, healthier than ever bryan. if chemo is gonna tear me down i'm going to rebuild from the inside out the right way.

my voice is pretty close to normal for the first time since mid-january and that is just amazing. the doctor told me to be patient because the nerve that controls the vocal chords takes a while to heal. it's not that i didn't believe him, it's just been a long time - what a nice reward for trusting in something i'll never understand.

hope all of you have a wonderful weekend - it's been nice to experience a day 22 for the first time in 4-1/2 months. slow and steady wins the race - the mass that was once so cleverly hiding on me never knew what hit it. now it's on to our insurance policy.

happy birthday to... ME

thanks to all of you for your birthday wishes - it was wonderful to hear from my nurse sharon that i could have raw fruits and vegetables. i have avoided these for 4+ months and let me tell you what - salad and watermelon have never tasted so good. oh, and that birthday wasn't half bad either. so my counts were very strong at my interim checkpoint last week and this process, which has been an exercise in patience, has really helped break down a lot of myths that the big 'C' word and its treatment used to imply to me. i've been riding the bike outside all week and i'm only more inspired by watching the tour de france every night.

i spent last week with jen, mom, dad, and courtney - they got to see week 2 and all of its mood swings. jenny, whom i'm convinced should be in a different species [ the closest description i can think of is angel ], can read me like a book after 5 cycles was not shocked to see what i affectionately refer to as "A--HOLE" bryan. the rest of the family had heard of this prednisone filled, rage machine but not until cycle 6 had they seen his wrath. because of the anti-nausea meds, the steroids that help reduce inflammation, and the chemo itself, all sorts of levels are out of whack inside the body. and as many of you know, i'm already a passionate man so all these factors come together to produce the perfect storm.

here are two examples of this phenomenon - my sensitivity to certain beverages in cycle 2 causing me to plot the demise of my wife as she kept listing different drinks i could have. all the poor thing wanted to do was keep me hydrated and all i could think about was tossing her off the balcony similar to darth vader and the emperor's final showdown in return of the jedi. the second scenario involved my sensitivity to sound in cycle 2 [ by far the worst cycle ]. as i moaned from the unchecked nausea, my innocent father came down the steps to the bedroom in order to check on me. as he walked his windpants produced a "swoosh" sound that was like nails on a chalkboard to me. so as this kind man wanted to provide any amount of help to me, i could only think about slicing his achilles tendon, therefore ensuring he would never walk again. and although cycle 2 was the worst, jenny dealt with "blow ups" each cycle and it got to the point that she could defuse them faster than a nascar pit crew could change a tire. unfortunately my sister had not witnessed this irrational time bomb but last week she found herself right in the middle of it. the best part is we had just had a conversation about how she felt like she wasn't close enough to the action only 2 weeks prior. hard to believe a simple question about sunscreen on my bald head could cause me to want to rip someone's head off.

i share these events for 2 reasons. first, because they make my buddy lori furman laugh and second, because we crossed a major threshold and looking back we didn't try to avoid the wave, we rode the wave. chemo is the hardest physical challenge i have ever encountered [ or could imagine ] but even more significant is the mental game that you encounter minute by minute. with all the imbalances in my body, i can't expect to control all my physical and emotional reactions but i can choose how i use those feelings - and we did a lot more pumping up than sulking during these six cycles.

so here's to the best birthday ever. hanging with my family, dinner with my buddies here in charlotte, memories of hibachi grilling with my buddies across the country and most importantly, holding hands with my very own angel - jenny.

five cycles down...

No more chemotherapy! Monday was Bryan's sixth and final treatment. Although he still has about a week to contend with the side effects, we are both relieved to have all the chemo treatments behind us. We are so thankful to the staff in the chemo room, especially Bryan's nurse, Sharon, for doing everything they could to minimize the physical and psychological stresses associated with chemotherapy. We both had a much more negative image of the process in our heads before it began - we didn't realize that there could be laughter and smiles in the chemo room, but there they were.

Bryan is feeling ok today (day 2), watching some DVDs and playing his Nintendo DS. His mom had to make a special trip to the store tonight because Bryan just had to have coffeecake to go with his tea. I've never know him to eat coffeecake, but you never know what he'll ask for next.

The fifth cycle was even better than the fourth - Bryan has been very active, with running and spinning and plyometrics. He's been working more than ever, and has hardly had any fatigue. His voice, which had been weak and strained since February, is almost completely back to normal. Its really amazing how much better its been sounding this cycle.

Each day from here on out is momentous, knowing Bryan will continue to gain energy and strength without have to get knocked down again.

luckiest man

here we are on the eve of the last cycle and i feel great. my voice is is almost completely back to normal, i've been real active on the bike, and it's just me and my naked head out in public. that's right, no more hats!!! i thank all of my friends and coworkers for giving me the confidence to remove the hat and just be me. i don't want to go back in tomorrow but then again, i signed an agreement on day 1 of cycle 1 to let the doctor and the nurses treat me properly. we've followed the experts this far and my faith in them has been rewarded by a body that's well on its way to being fully healed. as we prepare to cross this very big threshold i'm reminded of a passage in lance armstrong's book i read the week this all began. lance has just found out that his testicular cancer had not only spread to his lungs but also his brain. he received an e-mail from a military man stationed in asia right before lance was to begin his chemo treatments. the fellow cancer patient said this:

"you don't know it yet, but we're the lucky ones."

lance responded upon reading this message, "this guys a nut."

as i read this passage i made a promise to myself to figure out what this gi meant - not from lance's point of view, but my own. well, i can tell you that i do feel lucky to have walked in this valley. more and more i am reminded of the footsteps in the sand analogy as a perfect description for my relationship with God. as i have passed through the darkest parts of this journey i have felt like i was carried, while in the times of greatest joy i feel like the lord is right there with me. my faith has been strengthened by god's work in those around me and i know i would not have made it to this point without all of you. i have run side by side with an all american in college, i have won races with a kick on the final lap, and on certain days i have not been the fastest man, but rather the toughest - and i will tell you this, there is no greater home stretch kick than the one we'll be starting tomorrow.

jenny will post her update in a few days - this is last time we'll have to build back up.

have a wonderful start to your week and a relaxing 4th.

Courage

hello to all of you - sorry for taking so long to check-in. this cycle has been my most active by far and it's also my most emotional - both very good things. i've been real fired up and frustrated that i can't do more. the doctor cleared me to start doing some light upper body exercises and being a guy who's been running around his entire life, it's hard to take baby steps. jenny has been great at keeping me focused on the task at hand and the fact that we only have 1 more chemo treatment to go. i look forward to crossing that threshold, and the radiation treatments only have fatigue as a side effect and that's a big "only". we were also informed that the tentative post chemo schedule is something like this:

• july 2nd - last chemo visit
• july 10th - last interim check-up
• july 30 - pet scan to determine what the anatomy looks like where the tumor was [ it could be a peanut sized tumor remaining or just scar tissue ]
• first week of august - dry run for treatments where i receive my freckle tattoos to mark the area to radiate
• 4 weeks after start of radiation - the radiation treatment [ or our insurance policy as my doctor calls it ] finishes up

i tell you what, i get pumped just writing that schedule. by labor day we'll be looking at all this from the rear view mirror!!!

i also wanted to take this time to wish a happy belated father's day to all you dads out there. i had the pleasure of having my dad here this cycle and it was wonderful. for all of the people who have touched my life in so many ways he's the guy who's always set the standard [ and lived up to it ], been the mentor and help make me the man i am today. he's where i get my love for the yankees, the marx brothers, technology, and marrying a woman who's way out of my league. many thanks to you dad.

1 more thing - as you all i know i've been watching alot of movies lately and i stumbled upon a pretty impressive quote from the movie "three kings" - i paraphrase:

• soldier approaches george clooney: we movin' out [to battle]
• george clooney: yeah, you scared?
• soldier: no... maybe a little
• george clooney: here's how it works, you do the thing your afraid of first, then you get the courage after you do it
• soldier: that's stupid, it should be the other way around
• george clooney: yeah, but that's the way it is

each new day is another bit of courage we're picking up - i felt like clooney was talking to me last monday afternoon. hope you have a great start to your week.

four cycles down...

Bryan had his fifth chemo treatment yesterday - only one left! We're employing the same strategy as last cycle to manage the side effects, and it seems to be working well so far. Knowing we're nearing the chemotherapy finish line is a great source of strength for us to push through the next six weeks.

This cycle has been the best yet, in terms of Bryan's energy and activity levels. Since day 10, he's been going to work every day - he feels much better now that he can be a productive member of the office again. He has enjoyed running or spinning every day -the bike has been a great asset during the hot weather. We've also been able to socialize more this cycle thanks to Bryan's renewed energy. One new hobby he's picked up during this cycle is sewing - together we made a pair of pajama pants.

Bryan did all the sewing by himself, and honestly, he did a great job. This cycle I'm going to put him to work on some dishcloths and napkins.

Bryan has had an incredible attitude the entire time, but its great to see his physical strength and energy building more and more each cycle. I can't leave out an update on cravings - since Day 3 of the last cycle Bryan hasn't gone a day without pining for the chicken burrito at Q'doba. I wonder what he'll go for this time...

sorry for the delay

hello all -

i apologize for the gap in between posts but there is a reason i haven't been typing lately - i've been out and about!!! that's right - this cycle i went back to work earlier and although i didn't feel great the first week, i've felt alot worse in past cycles. since i last wrote to you all i have done 120 crossword puzzles (i watched the documentary "wordplay" and decided crosswords were a great way to keep the noodle going) and this new pastime is thanks to cousins tyler (and his md shields clan), tracy, wally, megan, colleen, and irene - thanks a bunch for your brain teaser care packages to which cousin kelly and her fam just added to last week.

we had another positive interim check-up with the doctor and i got all fired up talking about rasing the intensity of exercise during these last 2 cycles and carrying that right on into the radiation treatment. unfortunately, as my energy level rises so does the temperature outside - so i can't stress enough how important the bike is starting to become for my mental and physical well being. i was touched to find out last week that my father's good friends had gotten together and decided that they would be the ones to buy me the bike. i want to take this time and thank a group of guys that have always been there for me - i mean john colen is the man who introduced me to architecture (he gave me a lead pointer for christmas back in 1988). we've had fun running turkey trots in sub-zero conditions, playing volleyball at ge company picnics and of course who could forget uva football on a beautiful autumn afternoon. so a special thanks to steve, john, kc, al, mike, ken, and kevin. i look forward to thanking each of you personally at a uva game this fall. the bike represents alot of things to me metaphorically but most importantly it provides an outlet for a guy who has to spend a decent amount of time with a buffer to the outside world. i can't wait to get this baby out on the open road in the fall.

speaking of that buffer, it ain't so bad - jenny has created an oasis on our balcony for me (see pic below). filled with lush plants, grass-like carpet and bistro chairs, it's the outdoors in a controlled setting. her creativity and hard work (along with jess, mimi, and colleen from my office) turned a postage stamp of exterior space into a magnificent observation deck. i am overwhelmed everyday by all that she is doing to make this an experience of growth, not 6 months of trying to hit fast forward.

so smiles all around - enjoy your weekend, i know i will.

three cycles down...

We're two-thirds of the way through the treatments!

Bryan's fourth chemo treatment was yesterday - things went very smoothly again, and some adjustments to his anti-nausea medications afforded him a more comfortable evening than last cycle. The solution to the nausea problem is essentially to knock him out for hours at a time - but a sleeping Bryan is better than a nauseous one. We're crossing our fingers that we now have a successful strategy for managing the side effects.

The last two weeks of the past cycle were great, we ran almost every day, and for significantly longer than last cycle. Bryan was able to do more things socially and spend more time at the office, and that normalcy has been very beneficial. Although he didn't look forward to getting knocked down again, knowing he'll be back to some of his usual activities soon is helping his mental outlook during the tough days.

Happy Mother's Day

i wanted to take a moment and wish all those special ladies out there a happy mother's day. my mom has always been there for me and from the day i first received that tough bit of news about the tumor she has been unflappable in her focus on the cure. with nothing but faith and determination to support her in the beginning, she was essential in carrying me through the "waiting period". the comfort that my mother has brought to jen and i during these past few months is nothing short of God's grace and i thought i'd share with all of you a quote she sent to me this morning -

"The thing is to rely only on God. The time will come when you will regard all this misery as a small price to pray for having been brought to that dependence. Meanwhile the trouble is that relying on God has to begin all over again every day as if nothing has yet been done."
- C.S. Lewis

for the record, the woman is so selfless she sends me a thank you card every mother's day. seriously mom, i love you infinity but take a load off - it's your day.

i also want to thank another mother who has been a wonderful addition to my life since the day i met jenny. my mother-in-law laurel and i have always shared an unconditional love for jenny and technology but during her recent visit i realized her love goes well beyond any in-law standard i could ever imagine. so once again, although this valley has been tough at times, i have felt more love and inspiration during this battle than at any other point in my life. thanks to all of you for going on this journey with me.

Day 8

well we had another great interim checkpoint yesterday - counts are not critically low and this time the nausea was tempered nicely by medication. the only unfortunate side effect is that the anti-nausea meds leave you even more fatigued. i'll take the trade off from last cycle's first week - and knowing that we are counting down from here gets me real pumped. my mother-in-law laurel was my assistant nurse and she was wonderful - i thank her for looking after jenny while i was down for the count.

i want to take this time to thank my wonderful wife - she grows stronger every day and even though my mood ebbs and flows with each cycle, her unwavering support and general "cuteness" makes me feel like the luckiest man on the face of the earth. I never knew what love was until I began walking through this valley, and I have a sneaking suspicion that when I look back on this experience, I won't want to trade it for the world. So I ask one thing of all of you: find your "jenny" (whoever he or she may be) and hug him or her like you are never letting go.

Two Cycles Down

Yesterday was Bryan's third chemo treatment, and everything went smoothly as expected. Its a nerve-wracking experience, anticipating the nausea and fatigue to follow, especially considering how great he's been feeling lately - we've been running every day for a week. But Dr. Dunder and Sharon (the chemo nurse) did a wonderful job (as usual) renewing Bryan's mental strength to confront it. He had some nausea soon after we got home, but once the anti-nausea medication kicked in he felt much better and slept all night. So far his day has consisted of watching a lot of Monk and Curb Your Enthusiasm on the laptop in bed, while snacking on cheerios. Still no tater tots. We're hoping that this cycle will be more predictable now that we've determined which medications work for the side effects, and so far Bryan is doing very well. (The only thing we haven't been able to manage is his continued aversion to liquid soap.)

Going Strong

today we had another first - i went for my first run/walk since the diagnosis. it felt great!!! we also had our interim meeting with the doctor and although we had a bumpier first week this cycle he was excited to report that my blood work was looking great and i also weighed more yesterday than at any point since the initial diagnosis. it gives me great confidence that even though i didn't eat much at all for 5 days, my metabolism knows how to play catch up. i ate over 4000 calories last friday and thanks to my perceptive wife they were all small meals instead of 1 large stomach ache. my appetite has subsided some (i'm down to 5 meals) but my energy level remains really high. i have been corresponding with mike fuller, a former safety in the nfl who had lymphoma 25 years ago, and he has written alot about his time spent in this valley. he said something so powerful i had to share it -

"I can remember the most intimate times of my 32 years of marriage was when I was pumped up on prednisone and as grey skinned and bald as an eagle. God is so awesome if we only make our selves available to Him."

i couldn't agree more - i didn't know what living was until i gave over control (that which i thought i had) of what tomorrow will bring, because we only have today. i've never smiled bigger than during the 2 weeks i am recovering each cycle and the fact that it is already day 14 says alot about how time flies. this will not be 6 cycles of torture but rather a handful days that i battle nausea and the rest of the time spent feeding my mind, body, and soul.

i want to thank uncle paul and aunt christine who sent me a book of inspirational quotes - jen and i were both taken by this one from helen keller -

"although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it."

we're about to tear another page on the calendar and sooner than we think this treatment process will be another dot on the timeline - i don't expect to be able to explain the meaning of life when i'm done, but then again the point might just be - who cares, let's just enjoy today.

day 9 and feeling fine

well this time around things were quite a bit tougher with the nausea. i have to be honest and say that there is nothing worse than a sustained nausea - especially when you know that eating and drinking is what is necessary for healing. however, a strange thing happened - it passed. on multiple occasions i told jen and my dad i could not do this but they reminded me, multiple times, that i was already doing this. everything was intensified this time and i believe it was in no small part due to the fact that i fell from so high, and it was a mental slide not a physical one. yesterday we found out that my counts are again higher than they were at the last cycle's interim checkpoint - my body is screaming to me that it's ready for this.

my heightened sense of smell is back - further augmented by my lack of nose hair. i swear i could be a crime dog with this nose!!! on the plus side of hair loss, i don't have a five-o'clock shadow at nine in the morning - in fact, i don't have to shave at all. thanks to the wonderful support of my dream team of home nurses (jen and dad this round) and all of your thoughts and prayers, i made it through that valley with even more confidence about what we can accomplish.

2 more things -

congratulations to adam, who ran the boston marathon in 3:19:13. very impressive, especially when you consider the weather conditions which had him running in a hefty bag. also, lance armstrong is the winner of this year's jimmy v award. for those of you who don't know jim valvano - he has a mantra i've thought about since i got this diagnosis (see video link below). his incredible attitude in the face of a terminal diagnosis helped change our culture's perspective on what it means to live a complete life. here is a link to his espy speech from 1993 - if you don't cry... you're a robot.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ePXlkqkFH6s

Day 4

Bryan is feeling better today, after a tough couple days of nausea and fatigue. Tater tots were not the godsend we expected them to be this time: however, rice (particularly chicken-fried rice) has worked out quite well. His heightened senses of hearing and smell continue, but they will fade as the nausea does. No unusually surprising aversions, other than dish soap. Tomorrow will probably be another day of fatigue, and we're hoping by Monday Bryan is beginning to feel like himself again. Despite the physical torment, he's remained characteristically upbeat, remembering that rather than symptoms of the disease, these are all side effects of the cure.

One cycle down already?

that's right - today we began cycle 2.

it went a little quicker than the last visit because the rituxan could be administered at a faster rate. my red and white counts were actually higher today than they were at the beginning of the last treatment - it's one of those days you feel like your body was made for this. my wonderful nurses eileen and sharon make the process as painless as possible and are a calming influence for this thinker's mind of mine. it rained the entire day today so it was alot easier to sit inside all afternoon but i still got on the bike this morning before treatment. these next few days will be slower but now i know what it feels like and the anxiety of the unknown is all but gone. jen will be sure to give you an update of any strange cravings that come along in these early days and i'll be checking back in before you know it.

two other things - i've posted a pic with this update because i got to place the first number in the "big board" jen made to track my treatment. as we move through the treatment, i place the corresponding aluminum number in its place until we finish with number 6. tomorrow is the 7th anniversary of my mom's aneurysm repair surgery. the patience she displayed to wait 4 years before having the surgery and activities she has taken on since serve as an inspiration for me during every moment of this treatment. it's also a reminder that we all have our valleys in life - it's the smiling along the way to the next peak that's important. by the way - feel free to comment on any post with movie recommendations (especially cousin tyler). i'll be watching alot of them. clever and funny are my particular criteria.

Happy Easter

i wanted to extend a happy easter to everybody. this time of year used to mean to me that a great man suffered so i would not have to. as this last 6 weeks has unfolded i realize that His suffering serves as an example for how Faith is strengthened in the darkest of times. it's nice that i'm never walking through this valley alone.

my hair began to fall out this weekend and i tell you there is nothing in my life that could have prepared me for the experience of looking down into my hands after using shampoo and seeing a substantial amount of hair in my hand. after the initial shock wore off, i realized that i felt great, i bounded up the stairs to my bike and started pedaling. jen and i then went out to dinner for the first time since the beginning of the treatment (thanks for the invite jess and vince) and it felt great!!! using anxiety as motivation - that's how we'll push through the tough times.

i hope all of you have a restful weekend - we're almost through cycle 1. jen made me a really cool countdown board for the treatment cycles. i'll post a pic next post as we complete number 1. jen and i also came up with a unique way to chart my progress during the treatment - more details to follow. smiles all around!!!

thank you's all around

here we are at day 13 and feeling good. been back to work this week and it feels good to be productive. i feel fortunate to love what i do, and i am very excited to be back designing and detailing components for my firm's new office.

i wanted to take a moment and thank those who have physically been a part of my life during the first 2 weeks of treatment.

firstly, the man who makes this blog possible - adam burke. the blog has been a wonderful outlet for jen and i, as well as a nice way to look back on all that we will learn during the treatment. he has been a brother to me since fourth grade and his computer "geeky-ness" always comes in handy.

my sister courtney - she has been a source of strength from day 1 and has organized a legion of people who have been down this road before me. i also received a hand-made beanie for my naked head from her friend (and now mine) heather.

my sister-in-law laurie - she designed and made "bryan's bracelet" - our own version of lance armstrong's "live strong" wrist band. it's a physical reminder about what we're going to accomplish everyday. you can see all of her work at www.laurielynndesigns.com.

my best man tom cox - blockbuster.com has never seen such quick movie turn-arounds. as many of you know, i like to watch movies - sometimes the same one more than once. when all i wanted to do was veg (and most certainly didn't want to see any commercial with food) i just popped in a flick.

colleen garrett - a generous donation of her trainer (top of the line, purchased by her husband michael) for the duration of the treatment will allow me to ride my new bike for 10 minutes or an hour, rain or shine.

jessica hindman - every monday i am treated to another set of meals from my wonderful friend and chef. as i have branched out from tater tots she has raised her game - providing me with delicious and essential proteins and carbs.

my in-laws jeff and laurel - probably the most valuable gift to jen was the nintendo ds portable gaming system they gave me before the start of the treatment. this is not only great to help pass the time but because it is small and has a headphone jack, jen will not go slowly insane listening to the sweet sounds of mariokart.

my dad - he has fixed or will fix everything in the condo, even if it is not broken. he also has made himself available from the day of the prognosis for any amount of positive energy i may need. you can feel the confidence just looking at a picture of him.

my mom - the roads she has already been down have prepared her for guiding me through this. although we have talked about how none of what has transpired is what you hope your child will have to go through, we both realize that the strength in faith we will gain from this journey will in no small way change the world.

and then there's my wife - every day she wakes up, smile on her face and does her job. emotions have fluctuated but her focus never has - on day 2 she asked me to take a walk and all i wanted to do is sulk for a century or two. today, i could not wait for her to get home so we could walk the furthest we've walked since the start of the treatment. i could spend a lifetime thanking her for her strength and it wouldn't come close to the way i feel. but the strides we'll make during these next few months will be a nice start.

i love you all and i am staring at a pile of cards that says i haven't thanked nearly enough people yet - but then again, there's always day 14.

"if we don't come out of this for the better, we've cheated ourselves."

Moving Right Along

as day 10 comes to a close, i'm walking miles, not blocks anymore. feeling quite alert and energetic. i'm inspired to tell people that i feel as well as i did before i started the treatment. the doctor said it's nice that i figured out that you don't have to feel like crap for the treatment to work. i've got my bike set up inside and tomorrow i plan on spinning for a while. i've been eating like a horse and most of the strange cravings have subsided - have to save them for the beginning of cycle 2. i also wanted to say thanks to all my family and friends who are the reason i get out of bed in the morning. i'm beginning to realize that i'm doing this for you guys more than i'm doing this for myself - life's about the experiences we share, not the minutes that pass in between them.

it's the tough times when you realize why you share life with so many people - a wise man once told me "you've gotta play the hand you're dealt".

First Cycle Commentary from Bryan

Day 7 and feeling alright. Been eating pretty good, lots of chicken and potatoes. Had our first check-up today and the doctor was impressed with how i was doing. Red blood counts are doing fine and the white counts are low but that's to be expected. They had my mom give me this shot on day 2 that helps boost your counts. This way during this stretch when they are low, they aren't dangerously low. This shot wasn't even available 10 years ago - amazing what medicine is doing.

As far as treatment goes, we are looking at 6 cycles followed by radiation instead of the original 4. The reason for this is because i am handling the treatment so well, they can really shrink this sucker and then radiate any scar tissue left over. I never do the bare minimum (which in some instances points to 3-4 cycles) and it's nice to see the doctors tailoring the treatment to me. It's hard to believe 1 visit is already down but i definitely am thankful for the rest between cycles. This will be an exercise in patience for sure.

I was prepared for much worse physically but mentally it's been a challenge. I'm gonna do some work tomorrow which i know will feel good and even writing this is therapeutic. As far as the hair goes - it's still on the top my head. Should be gone in the next few weeks but the eyebrows and beard will still be there.

Resting

Bryan is feeling better today, not quite his bright-eyed and bushy-tailed self, but we're getting there.

With a lot of rest and a diet of almost exclusively tater tots, he is improving rapidly. The strangest response to his medication has been a heightened sense of smell, with coffee and potato chips being the worst offenders so far.

He is keeping himself amused by watching basketball and seinfeld - a pretty typical weekend for him anyway.

First Cycle

Bryan's first cycle of chemotherapy began on Thursday. It was a long day: the first medication, Rituxan, had to be administered slowly in order to reduce the risk of an allergic reaction. This is a fairly new medication that has been very successful, a biological therapy that has no side effects and targets the bad cells for destruction.

Subsequent medications, the typical chemical therapy drugs, were quickly administered. These cause nausea and fatigue, as they destroy fast-growing cells, good or bad. So far he's been able to tolerate the medications quite well, with minimal nausea and fatigue. Today is supposed to be the worst day for these side effects, and he should feel better each day.

Introduction

Hello to our friends and family - we want to thank all of you for your thoughts, prayers, and words of encouragement as we go through this process.

For those of you who haven't heard the specifics, about 4 weeks ago, a shadow was seen on Bryan's chest x-ray. Through a variety of tests and a surgical biopsy, it was determined that Bryan has Stage IIA agressive diffuse B-cell Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma. This form of lymphoma is not only treatable, but curable. Because it was found in an early stage and Bryan was asymptomatic, there is no lymphoma in his bone marrow or below the diaphragm - great news.

The proposed course of treatment entails 4 three-week cycles of chemotherapy followed by 4 weeks of daily radiation. With Bryan's great health and fitness, he should have no trouble tolerating the medications and radiation necessary for the cure. We will keep you all updated throughout his treatment.