6 cycles down - time to heal

hello all - yahoo!!! we are finished with chemo and looking back i'm thankful for the extra 2 cycles. my scan is august 3rd and i meet with the radiation oncologist on the 13th. i'm thankful for this time to heal up and build up my stamina. i've been back at work full time for the past few weeks and it's been great to get back in the groove. i've been biking and / or running everyday - getting outside has been great. jenny and i have been on many dates - something i missed quite a bit during certain parts of the cycle.

while the next few weeks will be an exercise in patience - i've been trying to find ways to not feel like i'm waiting for the next step. i saw a nutritionist on monday and she was wonderful. i already can visualize my body working its way back to 100%, but there's a new goal - a stronger, healthier than ever bryan. if chemo is gonna tear me down i'm going to rebuild from the inside out the right way.

my voice is pretty close to normal for the first time since mid-january and that is just amazing. the doctor told me to be patient because the nerve that controls the vocal chords takes a while to heal. it's not that i didn't believe him, it's just been a long time - what a nice reward for trusting in something i'll never understand.

hope all of you have a wonderful weekend - it's been nice to experience a day 22 for the first time in 4-1/2 months. slow and steady wins the race - the mass that was once so cleverly hiding on me never knew what hit it. now it's on to our insurance policy.

happy birthday to... ME

thanks to all of you for your birthday wishes - it was wonderful to hear from my nurse sharon that i could have raw fruits and vegetables. i have avoided these for 4+ months and let me tell you what - salad and watermelon have never tasted so good. oh, and that birthday wasn't half bad either. so my counts were very strong at my interim checkpoint last week and this process, which has been an exercise in patience, has really helped break down a lot of myths that the big 'C' word and its treatment used to imply to me. i've been riding the bike outside all week and i'm only more inspired by watching the tour de france every night.

i spent last week with jen, mom, dad, and courtney - they got to see week 2 and all of its mood swings. jenny, whom i'm convinced should be in a different species [ the closest description i can think of is angel ], can read me like a book after 5 cycles was not shocked to see what i affectionately refer to as "A--HOLE" bryan. the rest of the family had heard of this prednisone filled, rage machine but not until cycle 6 had they seen his wrath. because of the anti-nausea meds, the steroids that help reduce inflammation, and the chemo itself, all sorts of levels are out of whack inside the body. and as many of you know, i'm already a passionate man so all these factors come together to produce the perfect storm.

here are two examples of this phenomenon - my sensitivity to certain beverages in cycle 2 causing me to plot the demise of my wife as she kept listing different drinks i could have. all the poor thing wanted to do was keep me hydrated and all i could think about was tossing her off the balcony similar to darth vader and the emperor's final showdown in return of the jedi. the second scenario involved my sensitivity to sound in cycle 2 [ by far the worst cycle ]. as i moaned from the unchecked nausea, my innocent father came down the steps to the bedroom in order to check on me. as he walked his windpants produced a "swoosh" sound that was like nails on a chalkboard to me. so as this kind man wanted to provide any amount of help to me, i could only think about slicing his achilles tendon, therefore ensuring he would never walk again. and although cycle 2 was the worst, jenny dealt with "blow ups" each cycle and it got to the point that she could defuse them faster than a nascar pit crew could change a tire. unfortunately my sister had not witnessed this irrational time bomb but last week she found herself right in the middle of it. the best part is we had just had a conversation about how she felt like she wasn't close enough to the action only 2 weeks prior. hard to believe a simple question about sunscreen on my bald head could cause me to want to rip someone's head off.

i share these events for 2 reasons. first, because they make my buddy lori furman laugh and second, because we crossed a major threshold and looking back we didn't try to avoid the wave, we rode the wave. chemo is the hardest physical challenge i have ever encountered [ or could imagine ] but even more significant is the mental game that you encounter minute by minute. with all the imbalances in my body, i can't expect to control all my physical and emotional reactions but i can choose how i use those feelings - and we did a lot more pumping up than sulking during these six cycles.

so here's to the best birthday ever. hanging with my family, dinner with my buddies here in charlotte, memories of hibachi grilling with my buddies across the country and most importantly, holding hands with my very own angel - jenny.

five cycles down...

No more chemotherapy! Monday was Bryan's sixth and final treatment. Although he still has about a week to contend with the side effects, we are both relieved to have all the chemo treatments behind us. We are so thankful to the staff in the chemo room, especially Bryan's nurse, Sharon, for doing everything they could to minimize the physical and psychological stresses associated with chemotherapy. We both had a much more negative image of the process in our heads before it began - we didn't realize that there could be laughter and smiles in the chemo room, but there they were.

Bryan is feeling ok today (day 2), watching some DVDs and playing his Nintendo DS. His mom had to make a special trip to the store tonight because Bryan just had to have coffeecake to go with his tea. I've never know him to eat coffeecake, but you never know what he'll ask for next.

The fifth cycle was even better than the fourth - Bryan has been very active, with running and spinning and plyometrics. He's been working more than ever, and has hardly had any fatigue. His voice, which had been weak and strained since February, is almost completely back to normal. Its really amazing how much better its been sounding this cycle.

Each day from here on out is momentous, knowing Bryan will continue to gain energy and strength without have to get knocked down again.

luckiest man

here we are on the eve of the last cycle and i feel great. my voice is is almost completely back to normal, i've been real active on the bike, and it's just me and my naked head out in public. that's right, no more hats!!! i thank all of my friends and coworkers for giving me the confidence to remove the hat and just be me. i don't want to go back in tomorrow but then again, i signed an agreement on day 1 of cycle 1 to let the doctor and the nurses treat me properly. we've followed the experts this far and my faith in them has been rewarded by a body that's well on its way to being fully healed. as we prepare to cross this very big threshold i'm reminded of a passage in lance armstrong's book i read the week this all began. lance has just found out that his testicular cancer had not only spread to his lungs but also his brain. he received an e-mail from a military man stationed in asia right before lance was to begin his chemo treatments. the fellow cancer patient said this:

"you don't know it yet, but we're the lucky ones."

lance responded upon reading this message, "this guys a nut."

as i read this passage i made a promise to myself to figure out what this gi meant - not from lance's point of view, but my own. well, i can tell you that i do feel lucky to have walked in this valley. more and more i am reminded of the footsteps in the sand analogy as a perfect description for my relationship with God. as i have passed through the darkest parts of this journey i have felt like i was carried, while in the times of greatest joy i feel like the lord is right there with me. my faith has been strengthened by god's work in those around me and i know i would not have made it to this point without all of you. i have run side by side with an all american in college, i have won races with a kick on the final lap, and on certain days i have not been the fastest man, but rather the toughest - and i will tell you this, there is no greater home stretch kick than the one we'll be starting tomorrow.

jenny will post her update in a few days - this is last time we'll have to build back up.

have a wonderful start to your week and a relaxing 4th.