happy birthday to... ME

thanks to all of you for your birthday wishes - it was wonderful to hear from my nurse sharon that i could have raw fruits and vegetables. i have avoided these for 4+ months and let me tell you what - salad and watermelon have never tasted so good. oh, and that birthday wasn't half bad either. so my counts were very strong at my interim checkpoint last week and this process, which has been an exercise in patience, has really helped break down a lot of myths that the big 'C' word and its treatment used to imply to me. i've been riding the bike outside all week and i'm only more inspired by watching the tour de france every night.

i spent last week with jen, mom, dad, and courtney - they got to see week 2 and all of its mood swings. jenny, whom i'm convinced should be in a different species [ the closest description i can think of is angel ], can read me like a book after 5 cycles was not shocked to see what i affectionately refer to as "A--HOLE" bryan. the rest of the family had heard of this prednisone filled, rage machine but not until cycle 6 had they seen his wrath. because of the anti-nausea meds, the steroids that help reduce inflammation, and the chemo itself, all sorts of levels are out of whack inside the body. and as many of you know, i'm already a passionate man so all these factors come together to produce the perfect storm.

here are two examples of this phenomenon - my sensitivity to certain beverages in cycle 2 causing me to plot the demise of my wife as she kept listing different drinks i could have. all the poor thing wanted to do was keep me hydrated and all i could think about was tossing her off the balcony similar to darth vader and the emperor's final showdown in return of the jedi. the second scenario involved my sensitivity to sound in cycle 2 [ by far the worst cycle ]. as i moaned from the unchecked nausea, my innocent father came down the steps to the bedroom in order to check on me. as he walked his windpants produced a "swoosh" sound that was like nails on a chalkboard to me. so as this kind man wanted to provide any amount of help to me, i could only think about slicing his achilles tendon, therefore ensuring he would never walk again. and although cycle 2 was the worst, jenny dealt with "blow ups" each cycle and it got to the point that she could defuse them faster than a nascar pit crew could change a tire. unfortunately my sister had not witnessed this irrational time bomb but last week she found herself right in the middle of it. the best part is we had just had a conversation about how she felt like she wasn't close enough to the action only 2 weeks prior. hard to believe a simple question about sunscreen on my bald head could cause me to want to rip someone's head off.

i share these events for 2 reasons. first, because they make my buddy lori furman laugh and second, because we crossed a major threshold and looking back we didn't try to avoid the wave, we rode the wave. chemo is the hardest physical challenge i have ever encountered [ or could imagine ] but even more significant is the mental game that you encounter minute by minute. with all the imbalances in my body, i can't expect to control all my physical and emotional reactions but i can choose how i use those feelings - and we did a lot more pumping up than sulking during these six cycles.

so here's to the best birthday ever. hanging with my family, dinner with my buddies here in charlotte, memories of hibachi grilling with my buddies across the country and most importantly, holding hands with my very own angel - jenny.