Going Strong

today we had another first - i went for my first run/walk since the diagnosis. it felt great!!! we also had our interim meeting with the doctor and although we had a bumpier first week this cycle he was excited to report that my blood work was looking great and i also weighed more yesterday than at any point since the initial diagnosis. it gives me great confidence that even though i didn't eat much at all for 5 days, my metabolism knows how to play catch up. i ate over 4000 calories last friday and thanks to my perceptive wife they were all small meals instead of 1 large stomach ache. my appetite has subsided some (i'm down to 5 meals) but my energy level remains really high. i have been corresponding with mike fuller, a former safety in the nfl who had lymphoma 25 years ago, and he has written alot about his time spent in this valley. he said something so powerful i had to share it -

"I can remember the most intimate times of my 32 years of marriage was when I was pumped up on prednisone and as grey skinned and bald as an eagle. God is so awesome if we only make our selves available to Him."

i couldn't agree more - i didn't know what living was until i gave over control (that which i thought i had) of what tomorrow will bring, because we only have today. i've never smiled bigger than during the 2 weeks i am recovering each cycle and the fact that it is already day 14 says alot about how time flies. this will not be 6 cycles of torture but rather a handful days that i battle nausea and the rest of the time spent feeding my mind, body, and soul.

i want to thank uncle paul and aunt christine who sent me a book of inspirational quotes - jen and i were both taken by this one from helen keller -

"although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it."

we're about to tear another page on the calendar and sooner than we think this treatment process will be another dot on the timeline - i don't expect to be able to explain the meaning of life when i'm done, but then again the point might just be - who cares, let's just enjoy today.

day 9 and feeling fine

well this time around things were quite a bit tougher with the nausea. i have to be honest and say that there is nothing worse than a sustained nausea - especially when you know that eating and drinking is what is necessary for healing. however, a strange thing happened - it passed. on multiple occasions i told jen and my dad i could not do this but they reminded me, multiple times, that i was already doing this. everything was intensified this time and i believe it was in no small part due to the fact that i fell from so high, and it was a mental slide not a physical one. yesterday we found out that my counts are again higher than they were at the last cycle's interim checkpoint - my body is screaming to me that it's ready for this.

my heightened sense of smell is back - further augmented by my lack of nose hair. i swear i could be a crime dog with this nose!!! on the plus side of hair loss, i don't have a five-o'clock shadow at nine in the morning - in fact, i don't have to shave at all. thanks to the wonderful support of my dream team of home nurses (jen and dad this round) and all of your thoughts and prayers, i made it through that valley with even more confidence about what we can accomplish.

2 more things -

congratulations to adam, who ran the boston marathon in 3:19:13. very impressive, especially when you consider the weather conditions which had him running in a hefty bag. also, lance armstrong is the winner of this year's jimmy v award. for those of you who don't know jim valvano - he has a mantra i've thought about since i got this diagnosis (see video link below). his incredible attitude in the face of a terminal diagnosis helped change our culture's perspective on what it means to live a complete life. here is a link to his espy speech from 1993 - if you don't cry... you're a robot.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ePXlkqkFH6s

Day 4

Bryan is feeling better today, after a tough couple days of nausea and fatigue. Tater tots were not the godsend we expected them to be this time: however, rice (particularly chicken-fried rice) has worked out quite well. His heightened senses of hearing and smell continue, but they will fade as the nausea does. No unusually surprising aversions, other than dish soap. Tomorrow will probably be another day of fatigue, and we're hoping by Monday Bryan is beginning to feel like himself again. Despite the physical torment, he's remained characteristically upbeat, remembering that rather than symptoms of the disease, these are all side effects of the cure.

One cycle down already?

that's right - today we began cycle 2.

it went a little quicker than the last visit because the rituxan could be administered at a faster rate. my red and white counts were actually higher today than they were at the beginning of the last treatment - it's one of those days you feel like your body was made for this. my wonderful nurses eileen and sharon make the process as painless as possible and are a calming influence for this thinker's mind of mine. it rained the entire day today so it was alot easier to sit inside all afternoon but i still got on the bike this morning before treatment. these next few days will be slower but now i know what it feels like and the anxiety of the unknown is all but gone. jen will be sure to give you an update of any strange cravings that come along in these early days and i'll be checking back in before you know it.

two other things - i've posted a pic with this update because i got to place the first number in the "big board" jen made to track my treatment. as we move through the treatment, i place the corresponding aluminum number in its place until we finish with number 6. tomorrow is the 7th anniversary of my mom's aneurysm repair surgery. the patience she displayed to wait 4 years before having the surgery and activities she has taken on since serve as an inspiration for me during every moment of this treatment. it's also a reminder that we all have our valleys in life - it's the smiling along the way to the next peak that's important. by the way - feel free to comment on any post with movie recommendations (especially cousin tyler). i'll be watching alot of them. clever and funny are my particular criteria.

Happy Easter

i wanted to extend a happy easter to everybody. this time of year used to mean to me that a great man suffered so i would not have to. as this last 6 weeks has unfolded i realize that His suffering serves as an example for how Faith is strengthened in the darkest of times. it's nice that i'm never walking through this valley alone.

my hair began to fall out this weekend and i tell you there is nothing in my life that could have prepared me for the experience of looking down into my hands after using shampoo and seeing a substantial amount of hair in my hand. after the initial shock wore off, i realized that i felt great, i bounded up the stairs to my bike and started pedaling. jen and i then went out to dinner for the first time since the beginning of the treatment (thanks for the invite jess and vince) and it felt great!!! using anxiety as motivation - that's how we'll push through the tough times.

i hope all of you have a restful weekend - we're almost through cycle 1. jen made me a really cool countdown board for the treatment cycles. i'll post a pic next post as we complete number 1. jen and i also came up with a unique way to chart my progress during the treatment - more details to follow. smiles all around!!!

thank you's all around

here we are at day 13 and feeling good. been back to work this week and it feels good to be productive. i feel fortunate to love what i do, and i am very excited to be back designing and detailing components for my firm's new office.

i wanted to take a moment and thank those who have physically been a part of my life during the first 2 weeks of treatment.

firstly, the man who makes this blog possible - adam burke. the blog has been a wonderful outlet for jen and i, as well as a nice way to look back on all that we will learn during the treatment. he has been a brother to me since fourth grade and his computer "geeky-ness" always comes in handy.

my sister courtney - she has been a source of strength from day 1 and has organized a legion of people who have been down this road before me. i also received a hand-made beanie for my naked head from her friend (and now mine) heather.

my sister-in-law laurie - she designed and made "bryan's bracelet" - our own version of lance armstrong's "live strong" wrist band. it's a physical reminder about what we're going to accomplish everyday. you can see all of her work at www.laurielynndesigns.com.

my best man tom cox - blockbuster.com has never seen such quick movie turn-arounds. as many of you know, i like to watch movies - sometimes the same one more than once. when all i wanted to do was veg (and most certainly didn't want to see any commercial with food) i just popped in a flick.

colleen garrett - a generous donation of her trainer (top of the line, purchased by her husband michael) for the duration of the treatment will allow me to ride my new bike for 10 minutes or an hour, rain or shine.

jessica hindman - every monday i am treated to another set of meals from my wonderful friend and chef. as i have branched out from tater tots she has raised her game - providing me with delicious and essential proteins and carbs.

my in-laws jeff and laurel - probably the most valuable gift to jen was the nintendo ds portable gaming system they gave me before the start of the treatment. this is not only great to help pass the time but because it is small and has a headphone jack, jen will not go slowly insane listening to the sweet sounds of mariokart.

my dad - he has fixed or will fix everything in the condo, even if it is not broken. he also has made himself available from the day of the prognosis for any amount of positive energy i may need. you can feel the confidence just looking at a picture of him.

my mom - the roads she has already been down have prepared her for guiding me through this. although we have talked about how none of what has transpired is what you hope your child will have to go through, we both realize that the strength in faith we will gain from this journey will in no small way change the world.

and then there's my wife - every day she wakes up, smile on her face and does her job. emotions have fluctuated but her focus never has - on day 2 she asked me to take a walk and all i wanted to do is sulk for a century or two. today, i could not wait for her to get home so we could walk the furthest we've walked since the start of the treatment. i could spend a lifetime thanking her for her strength and it wouldn't come close to the way i feel. but the strides we'll make during these next few months will be a nice start.

i love you all and i am staring at a pile of cards that says i haven't thanked nearly enough people yet - but then again, there's always day 14.

"if we don't come out of this for the better, we've cheated ourselves."