clean scan!!!

hello all - as jen and i sat in the doctor's office for our check-up a few weeks ago, we knew we were not alone. i could feel all of you there with me and the elation that i felt after being told the scan was clean caused me to take a moment and reflect on how far we've come. that appointment could not have seemed further away during certain parts of a cycle and as it got closer the opposite began to happen. for the better part of 5 months my only job was to get food in me and walk around - now as we leave the treatment behind and the body continues healing it's about a return to normalcy. even though i realize this takes time, all of the subtle everyday aches and pains bring about a certain anxiety [ i.e. - i have dry skin, is the lymphoma back? ] as irrational as that sounds, thank God for jen's patience and love, those thoughts popped into my head every now and then. to calm myself down i went to a quote from The Alchemist [ great read if you haven't already ] - "Your fate and the fate of the world have been written by the same hand." i find that it helps take worry off my plate.

we will have our next check-up in february and as we approach the new year my main goal is to keep getting back into shape. jen and i had a wonderful time in san francisco visiting my sister-in-law laurie and the rest of the shields [ including kim trunko ] and evans clan for thanksgiving. it was just how i imagined it when my dad and i first talked about an outdoor excursion during cycle 2.

this process has been tiring and at some points extremely hard to communicate with the outside world. i thank all of you for your continued prayers and well wishes - can't wait to see most everyone over the holidays. hope you all had a happy turkey day!

soundtrack to my life

hello all -
since i've last posted, jen and i have been on our first trip out of town together since the diagnosis. we had a wonderful fall weekend in charlottesville, and although i left charlotte feeling slightly vulnerable, i returned feeling more confident than ever. one of the main reasons for this feeling was the recognition that my memory is my greatest asset, not something to be feared.

for the first three cycles of the treatment, i did not listen to a single song, thinking that any music i heard would have me recall a time when i was not sick. what i came to recognize at the beginning of cycle four was that the emotional response i was most afraid of was my greatest motivator. this reflection prompted a conversation between jenny and i about the soundtrack to one's life.

for this exercise, you have to select 25 songs, a double disc set if you will, that elicit an emotional reaction [ happiness, sadness, nostalgia, etc... ]. as you're scoring this journey through your past the only rule is that you cannot repeat an artist - that means no double dipping tears for fears dad!!!

feel free to post your soundtracks, i will have a link in my next post where you can go to download the mp3 version of mine. i know sometimes people have trouble logging on, so feel free to e-mail me [ bshields@s2research.com ].

we have first post-radiation scan on monday, but this weekend two of our good buddies are getting married here in charlotte - congratulations to lori and ashley!!!

i have an hour plus of waiting to do before the actual scan on monday so i'm going to spend that time listing the memory each song of my soundtrack brings to mind. a follow-up post comes soon but for now, here's my playlist:

just like heaven [ the cure ]
soul meets body [ death cab for cutie ]
comfortably numb [ pink floyd ]
#41 [ dave matthews band ]
while my guitar gently weeps [ the beatles ]
rear view mirror [ pearl jam ]
jane [ barenaked ladies ]
silence is easy [ starsailor ]
all these things that i've done [ the killers ]
worlds apart [ jars of clay ]
love in a vaccum [ 'til tuesday ]
breathe on me [ jennifer knapp ]
heart in hand [ vertical horizon ]
in repair [ john mayer ]
silver springs [ fleetwood mac ]
one [ u2 ]
here i am [ water's edge ]
we might as well be strangers [ keane ]
when it's raining [ the samples ]
please, please, please let me get what i want this time [ the smiths ]
sleeping in [ the postal service ]
within a room somewhere [ sixpence none the richer ]
ave maria [cover by chris cornell ]
follow you, follow me [ genesis ]
happier [ guster ]

bonus track: here i dreamt i was an architect [ the decemberists ]

have a great weekend - get your flu shots if you haven't already!!!